we interrupt this story

by jennifer

i admit it. i have dating ADD.

i need a lot of attention. and if i don't get it from one person, well, there are always others.

so while i have been plugging along with the 40 year old virgin, as my sister calls him, i need more.
"more" comes in the form of a fellow blogger. someone with whom i've had a pseudo-cyber ambiguous relationship since late january.

we started talking the week before david got married. i needed him to distract me. and he did. we had this very intense, emotionally slutty week of phone conversations. staying up until all hours of the night talking and talking. about everything--families, our homes, friends, aspirations, fears, myriad intimacies.

at the end of that week, after i've basically bared my soul (and i think he's bared his), he tells me that he's not interested in anything "serious" right now.

i tried to cut him off.
he wanted us to remain friends.
i hate to befriend men with whom i've become emotionally entangled.
but he was persistent.
and patient.
so we stayed "friends." friends who might have benefits.

there have been ups and downs in this alleged friendship.
basically it goes like this. i distance myself, he pushes for more. i give in, he distances himself. i get hurt and distance myself again. and again.

over the past couple of weeks we were at the stage of him pushing for more, me giving in.

a couple of nights ago, talking on the phone, he says to me, "you are the coolest girl. you're easy going, open-minded, smart, pretty, good morals."

i smile a little to myself.

he continues, "if i were the marrying kind, it would be really hard for me to let you go."

if i were the marrying kind, it would be hard to let you go???? does that mean that--since he's not the marrying kind--it would be easy for him to let me go? that he could easily let me go right now?

i realize that this is my fault. i let him do this to me time and again. the truth is that he doesn't have to worry about "letting me go" or not because i'm here. i'm here for him. on chat. on the phone. whenever he wants some bit of emotional intimacy, i am here. and i demand nothing in return.

he gets intimacy and no obligation.
and i get pushed around.

i say this to my friends. and they nod in agreement. you know this about him. you know how he is. you know what he's willing to give. stop talking him!!!!

i know they're right. and i understand with painful clarity that i am participating in a ridiculous, co-dependent, masochistic cycle with him. so why can't i let go?