masochism

by jennifer

after all of my bravado at the mark of the new year, i have fallen short.

a few months ago, i found out that my ex, the person i once believed to be the love of my life, was getting married.

while november was a difficult month, i have surprisingly felt fine, almost indifferent, about his impending nuptials.
until january.
at the beginning of the month i had a bit of a panic attack.
he's getting married.
january 28th.

then i did something. i got on the internet and downloaded his work schedule. don't ask questions. i'm a stalker. i have my ways! anyway, i saw that he was scheduled to work the day after he told me he was getting married.

this, of course, led me to believe that maybe he wasn't getting married after all. or maybe they had postponed the wedding. or maybe the work schedule was mistaken. but i preferred denial.

denial has been kind over the past month. it has helped me from feeling sad or depressed or any sense of loss.

but i still needed to find out if the wedding was going to happen.

my friends encouraged me to let it go.
"how are you going to find out? are you going to go around checking wedding registries?"
she was trying to discourage me, but inadvertently gave me an ingenious idea.
wedding registries!
and then another friend: "you can't check all of the wedding registries."
"i know," i say.
"just target?" she laughs.
target!

once at home, i log on to target's club wedd. and find that there is only one groom with his name in all of texas. and it is him. and it is her. and it is their city. and it is january 28th.

here's where it gets ugly.

i had honestly only wanted to confirm the date.
but then i was connected to the wedding registry.
and could see all the stuff.

you know. all of those things that a couple chooses to adorn their new home.
i could see the colors and style they had chosen for serving dishes.
the kitchen knives.
the oversized bathroom scale.
the white linens for their queen sized bed.
i could imagine them together at target with the little registry gun, shooting inanimate objects.
her eyes widen as they settle upon something she likes, "honey, do you like this one?"
"yeah. add it to the list."
i could see their excitement. their plans.
their happily ever after.

i felt nauseated. but transfixed. by envy. and masochism.