a senior moment

by jennifer

after the date with the old guy, i confess that i was not ready to let it go, despite his mention of the other woman.

i hung on to the few flirtacious emails. but he never asked me out again.

after a couple of weeks, i called and asked him out, invited him to a barbecue. he tentatively accepted my invitation, characteristically nervous and nerdy. i thought, maybe he's just that awkward. even though he is forty.

five minutes later, i receive an email from him. these are the major components of the message:

I. i like you. i have a lot of fun hanging out with you. BUT...

II. i need to be considerate of my situation and everyone involved (meaning, the other woman he mentioned at dinner, who was most definitely not his girlfriend). SO...

III. what i can offer you right now is my friendship and, hopefully, that will be enough...for now.

i was mortified. the first thing i needed to do was to revoke my invitation to the barbecue. after consulting with my sister (also known as my dating guru), i told him that i appreciated his honesty, and that his situation did seem rather delicate. i agreed. it would be best for us to be friends.

actually, i wrote, with everything going on, maybe the barbecue this weekend isn't such a good idea. let's just plan on getting together some other time.

since the email we have seen each other fleetingly at church (but have not spoken); he's called me a couple of times (i've never picked up the phone); has sent me a few emails (to which i have responded politely). i'm not interested.

i don't understand why his "situation" with the other woman only became apparent to him after our date, after we'd kissed, after we'd exchanged these email messages and phone calls.

i wrote an email to a friend complaining about my latest romantic fracaso, and she responded with the following:

i'm sorry about the 40 year old. that's messed up. you can attribute it to a senior moment (sorry).

a senior moment. that must have been it.

the date

by jennifer

he chose chili's for their wide selection of margaritas.

during the ten minute drive to the restaurant, though i tried, i couldn't remember what he looked like. the only recollection that i could conjure of him was of his greying hair and goatee.

when i arrived he was standing askance of the bar, alternating glances between the door and the basketball game showing on the television.
when i walked through the door, he met my eyes slowly and smiled just slightly.

i remembered my attraction to him at that moment. he wore khaki pants and a pale green polo shirt that accented the green of his eyes. i wanted to think that he had dressed to impress me, but i knew that this was what he had been wearing all day at work.

we decided to sit in the restaurant rather than the bar, and began to pour over the the margarita menu. i decided on one kind of margarita; he decided on another. together we decided to share an appetizer platter.

when the waiter came, he ordered for both of us.

the waiter takes away the margarita menu, our conversation shifts, and we find ourselves making painfully awkward small talk.

i wonder how long it will be before the margaritas will come and save us.

"let's play twenty questions," i suggest.

"twenty questions?' he asks, dubiously.

"yeah. i'll ask you a question, then you ask me one."

"ok..." he seems skeptical.

"i'll start. what's your favorite color?"

he lets out a short laugh.

"what?"

"i get the feeling the questions are going to get harder than this."

"not necessarily!"

"ok. blue."

he asks me about my favorite movie.

"when harry met sally."

"that's an interesting one," he says. "do you think that men and women can be friends?"

"no," i say, decisively.

"no?! i have lots of woman friends."

"the only guy friends i have are gay."

i tell him that it's too complicated to befriend guys. maybe you have ulterior motives. maybe they do. and then what about when you're in a relationship with someone else? will you still hang out with your "friend" of the opposite sex?

at this point the margaritas have arrived. and i have been drinking mine rather quickly.

we agree to disagree.

first impressions. recalling the *first* time we met, back in december, he tells me that he was "impressed" when he first met me. impressed because of my education, my intelligence, my "cute-ness." and he remembers that i told him i would probably be moving. leaving austin.

this is the moment that i had been dreading.

"i am moving. i got a new job out of state."

"really?!" he says, seeming genuinely excited for me. "that's great! congratulations!"

"yeah," i say. "i'm happy. happy to have this new job. i really wanted it. but i'm also sad to have to leave austin."

he tells me that, having been born and raised in austin, he has, on three separate occasions, given serious consideration to moving to colorado, new mexico, and california. "i still think i might move someday! it's just that now i have more holding me here," he says. i think that he is making reference to his new house.

"what about you? first impressions of me," he asks.

i tell him that i thought was handsome. funny. easy-going. "but i thought you might be married." i had seen him sitting with his little sister at church.

"you haven't seen me with anyone else?"

"no..."

"because i have another friend that i sit with sometimes. you probably know her. her name is ___________."

"no. i don't know her."

"oh. she's a good friend."

"is she a friend? or is she a friend?"

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, is she your platonic friend or is she your friend/maybe-more-than-a-friend?"

"maybe more than a friend."

"oh," i say and suddenly feel the margarita, the greasy appetizers, and the dessert we are now sharing swirl around in my stomach. i put my fork down.

"what's wrong?" he says. "don't stop eating."

"no. it's just that my stomach is feeling kind of gross. i think that this dessert is too sweet."

"are you ok?"

"yeah. i'll be fine."

"i wasn't lying the other day when you asked me if i had a girlfriend. she's not my girlfriend. we just have a history. and we're friends now. this--me being here with you--is not weird for me at all. is it weird for you?"

"uh. no. but i don't have a boyfriend. or anyone who is kind of like a boyfriend."

"she's not my girlfriend," he insists.

the rest of the date feels like falling action. my slight drunkenness turns quickly turned into tiredness. i tell him that i should let him go. he has to work early the next morning after all. he reminds me that we haven't finished our twenty questions. though we have not been counting, we continue.

finally, he notices the waiter wiping off booths and asks if the restaurant is closed. it is.

he walks me to my car. notices the moon, how it is almost full. tells me about his trip to teotihuacán, climbing to the top of the pyramid of the moon. i tell him that i have also been there. he talks and talks. mostly about little nothings. i feel like he's stalling.

i suggest that we call it a night.

at my car door, he faces me. we look at each other expectantly.

"well are you going to kiss me good night?" i ask.

and he does. and i wish that he wouldn't have. because it is perfect. and i want more. so we kiss more. and then say good-night.

i drive home with a pit in my stomach. and the feeling that this might end badly for me. wondering if maybe it is already over.

the set up

by jennifer

we played email tag for a week. i was out of town. he was out of town. he wasn't at the 9:30AM mass that next sunday.

finally, monday afternoon we caught each other on chat.
after a nice little chat, i tell him that i should let him get back to work.

"it's pretty slow around here," he says.

"can you get out early?" i ask.

"nope. gotta stay til 5PM... why do you ask?"

i was not asking for any particular reason, but then it sounded like maybe i was going to say, if you get out early, maybe you and i could get together. and i was embarrassed because it was not my intention to ask him out.

not knowing what to say, i sent him an embarrassed emoticon.

"just say it," he said.

"no!," i told him. "i already told you that i don't ask guys out on dates."

"i have class tonight anyway."

"high school youth group?"

"yeah."

pause.

"afterward?" he asks.

"afterward what?" i respond, smartly.

"come on. this is hard for me, too."

"ok. afterward what?"

"do you want to get a soda?"

i laugh. "sure. where?"

from the moment he asked me, "afterward?" it took an HOUR for us to make plans. where do you want to go? i don't know, where do YOU want to go? etc. soda? dinner? drinks?

he tells me that he thinks he is going to need a drink. he tells me that his palms are sweaty as he types.

i say, "you're making me feel like i'm making you nervous!"

"it's not you," he says. "it's me."

finally i tell him, "why don't you decide? pick a place and i'll be there."

he chooses a place. we decide on a time.

i choose to wear a high necked, racer-back black shirt with jeans. i don't want to make him more nervous by wearing something too revealing. but i look good. and i feel confident. he is so clearly into me. this date is just going to be a matter of me deciding whether or not i like him.

or so i thought.

we interrupt this story

by jennifer

i admit it. i have dating ADD.

i need a lot of attention. and if i don't get it from one person, well, there are always others.

so while i have been plugging along with the 40 year old virgin, as my sister calls him, i need more.
"more" comes in the form of a fellow blogger. someone with whom i've had a pseudo-cyber ambiguous relationship since late january.

we started talking the week before david got married. i needed him to distract me. and he did. we had this very intense, emotionally slutty week of phone conversations. staying up until all hours of the night talking and talking. about everything--families, our homes, friends, aspirations, fears, myriad intimacies.

at the end of that week, after i've basically bared my soul (and i think he's bared his), he tells me that he's not interested in anything "serious" right now.

i tried to cut him off.
he wanted us to remain friends.
i hate to befriend men with whom i've become emotionally entangled.
but he was persistent.
and patient.
so we stayed "friends." friends who might have benefits.

there have been ups and downs in this alleged friendship.
basically it goes like this. i distance myself, he pushes for more. i give in, he distances himself. i get hurt and distance myself again. and again.

over the past couple of weeks we were at the stage of him pushing for more, me giving in.

a couple of nights ago, talking on the phone, he says to me, "you are the coolest girl. you're easy going, open-minded, smart, pretty, good morals."

i smile a little to myself.

he continues, "if i were the marrying kind, it would be really hard for me to let you go."

if i were the marrying kind, it would be hard to let you go???? does that mean that--since he's not the marrying kind--it would be easy for him to let me go? that he could easily let me go right now?

i realize that this is my fault. i let him do this to me time and again. the truth is that he doesn't have to worry about "letting me go" or not because i'm here. i'm here for him. on chat. on the phone. whenever he wants some bit of emotional intimacy, i am here. and i demand nothing in return.

he gets intimacy and no obligation.
and i get pushed around.

i say this to my friends. and they nod in agreement. you know this about him. you know how he is. you know what he's willing to give. stop talking him!!!!

i know they're right. and i understand with painful clarity that i am participating in a ridiculous, co-dependent, masochistic cycle with him. so why can't i let go?

church flirt

by jennifer

i arrived at church just minutes before 9:30AM mass was to begin. didn't have time to look for beto. i just needed to find a pew where i could sit and say a quick prayer before the procession. once seated, i looked just beyond my peripheral vision and did not see him, so i decided to focus on the mass.

at my church, during the sign of the peace, everyone stands up and walks around, saying hello to the primos, the comadres, whoever. it's a little bit rowdy. i turned to give the sign of the peace to the woman on my right and saw beto approaching. he was handsome in his white button down shirt, khakis pants, and wire-rimmed glasses.

"hey!" he said, "peace be with you."

i was going to shake his hand, but he leaned in for a hug. we hugged and i told him, "you look really nice."

"thanks," he said and WALKED AWAY.

?????

clearly he didn't know that the appropriate response was, "you look nice too!"

indignant, i scooted back into my pew for the next prayer. my mind was racing. i am so not going to wait around to talk to him after church. i'm not going to have breakfast at the hall. thanks? thanks?! ugh.

at the end of mass, i realized that i would have to go to the hall, where they would be serving breakfast, to fill out some forms. not a problem, i thought. i'll go in, do what i have to do, and leave.

i did just that. and on my way out the door, beto walked in.

"hey," he said, with a big smile on his face. "did you save me a seat?"

"uh, no. i was just. here to. fill out these forms."

"oh! i've gotta do that, too. so..." and he roped me into small talk.

and before i knew it, we were small talking in the breakfast line.
while in line, i met his sister-in-law and nephew. moments later, we were joined by a woman with whom he works in the church high school ministry. a beautiful and sweet mexican american woman, maybe a little bit older than i am. i was pleased when he told me that she was "like a little sister," and she told me, "yeah, and i'm his date whenever he can't get a real one."

we sat with his "little sister" and one of her friends during breakfast. they tallked about the housewarming party that beto was planning for the next weekend.

"you should come!" his little sister said.

"i'm not invited!" i teased beto.

"send me an email, and i'll send you the information."

"i don't know if i have plans or not for that day, but maybe i'll go."

"well. maybe we'll let you in!"

after a while, they left us by ourselves. i don't remember what we chatted about, just that it was fun and flirtatious.

finally, at around noon, i told him that i'd better get going.

"dinner plans?" he said, making reference to the reason i'd used friday at the bar to excuse myself.

"no... i've got work to do today. to get ready for tomorrow."

"ok," he relented, and walked me out the door. we rambled through the parking lot and arrived at my car.

all of a sudden i felt like we were on a date. i felt myself shifting my weight back and forth on my feet.

"well, thanks for having breakfast with me," i said.

"yeah. it was nice. to. socialize."

"yes," i tell him. "i was socializing you."

he laughs. "i guess i need a little bit of that. i have some rough ends."

almost involuntarily, i peeked around and looked as his rear end, and said, "it looks pretty good to me."

he laughed and i noticed color flooding into his cheeks.

"this is me blushing," he said.

i laughed. "i'll email you this week for the party information."

"ok."

awkward silence.

then he punches me on the arm and says, "alright. see you later!"

i don't know why, but i thought that these moments, these pre-relationship uncertainties, would go a lot more smoothly with a 40-year old. i guess i thought that his life experience would lead him to be better at this. better than me anyway. but i was starting to realize, not so much.

something new

by jennifer

about a month ago, i noticed a handsome man at church. and i noticed him noticing me. leaning back a bit in his pew to make eye contact.

i indulged in a little bit of that small flirtation. seeking eye contact. meeting glances. smiling. looking away. repeat.

the next sunday, i saw him again as i was heading up the aisle to receive communion. we made eye contact, and i smiled at him--briefly and prayerfully--before resuming my march up to the altar. i returned to my pew, kneeled, and thought, he's cute. and, one second later, but kind of old!

i snuck another glance. he was handsome. average height, nice build. i noticed that his hair and goatee were peppered with grey. i gauged his age to be about 37 or 38. kind of old for me. but then i remembered i'm 30! kind of old, too! still, it occurred to me that he might be married. and i didn't want to chance flirting with a married man. so i stopped.

a couple of weeks later, i found myself at a birthday happy hour at an outdoor bar downtown. i had gotten to know the birthday girl--erica--over the past few months, but didn't know any of her friends. i arrived a little late, surveyed the crowd, and quickly realized that i didn't know anyone in the group (erica had yet to arrive). erica's husband, however, introduced himself and some friends. i sat down for a moment and then decided to find an ATM, hoping that erica (or someone familiar) would arrive in the meantime.

when i got back and joined the crowd at the table, i found myself face to face with the old guy from church.

someone introduced us. "MV this is beto. beto..."

"we've met before," he says.

i look at him quizically.

"after church. at breakfast. in the hall. you don't remember."

i start to remember, but ask anyway, "are you sure???"

"yes, you're from south texas, right?"

"no..." i say. "you must have me confused with some other mexican girl you met at church."

"some other beautiful mexican girl," beto's friend chimed in.

beto glances down, and i notice that his face reddens slightly. "i didn't want to embarrass you," he says.

i have to concede that we have indeed met before. he teases me and makes me feel guilty for not remembering.

i try to defend myself. "i'm new at church! i meet tons of people every week. and everyone already seems to know each other."

"ok, ok," he says and decides to take a break from his teasing.

soon thereafter, beto gives up his chair to some recently arrived women, and i begin conversation with the guy seated to my right. every so often i turn to beto. and every so often i catch him smiling at me between sips of his beer. finally, he mouths, "do you want something to drink?"

"are you buying?" i mouth back.

"yeah."

he comes over as if to take my order, warns me that the beer is warm. i ask for a margarita. on the rocks. with salt.

he is at my side moments later. and he is sipping another warm beer, and i am drinking my margarita. and we are smiling and chattering wtih each other about friends, about austin (where he was born and raised) and language and travels in mexico. about college and jobs. he gives me his business card then asks me if it's weird that he's given me his card. i assure him that it is not weird.

he tells me that he is forty years old.

we talk about names. he tells me his middle name. i tell him my middle name is __________.

"really?" he asks. "that's my brother's girlfriend's name."

"really?" i ask. "what's your girlfriend's name?"

"i don't have a girlfriend."

pause

"what's your boyfriend's name?" he asks.

"i don't have a boyfriend."

we smile and shuffle our feet. for too long.

"was that inappropriate?" i ask.

"no. it's just. smooth."

"clever," i offer.

"yes. very clever."

"i'm a clever girl!"

we laugh and talk more. when i look at my watch, i see that it is already 7PM, and i have dinner plans at 7:30PM.

feeling like cinderella, i scurry to say good bye to erica and then to beto.

"thanks for the drink!" and "i guess i'll see you church on sunday."

"see you then."

a good boy and bad habits

by jennifer

back in august, maria, a new friend from church, invited me to visit her restaurant, a new business venture that she and her brother had undertaken. wanting to support my new friend, i opted to have lunch one day that week at their small, but cozy mexican restaurant.

mid-lunch, i noticed jacob. alto, moreno, donning a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, a baseball cap and a bright smile, i thought him perfectly adorable and a little bit nerdy.

maria introduced him to me as her brother. jacob, sweet and smiling, asked enthusiastic questions about my work. in turn, i asked him about the restaurant and he spoke to me about how difficult and exciting starting the new business had been for them. it'd been somewhat of a childhood dream: their own restaurant.

jacob said good-bye to me that day with a hug and talked about staying in touch.

i returned to the restaurant the following week and again exchanged what i perceived to be flirtacious pleasantries with jacob. i thought that if i went back once a week, jacob would eventually ask me out.

the third weekend, i decided to take a girlfriend to the restaurant for breakfast. she was curious to see my cute new friend. while we enjoyed our breakfast tacos, jacob appeared in the restaurant and immediately approached our table, seeming genuinely pleased to see me. he greeted me with a hug and chattered away.

shortly afterward, a petite young woman appeared at his side and he introduced her to us as his girlfriend. i felt my stomach sink. they were dressed for a day outdoors, and, indeed, they were on their way to a local hiking trail.

"so nice to meet you," i said to her as sweetly as i could.

i never went back to the restaurant.

(i know. i'm a horrible person. so much for supporting my church friend, maria.)

six months later, two of my friends and i were looking for a place to have a quick bite to eat for breakfast. we pass by maria and jacob's restaurant.

why not?

as my friends sat at a table, i found maria and complimented the new additions to the restaurant, feeling a pang of guilt for not having visited in so long.

midway through breakfast, jacob appeared in the restaurant. he wore khakis and a button-down shirt, the same wire rimmed glasses, and looked significantly more tired than i remembered him.

upon seeing us, he immediately came over to say hello. i could tell that his enthusiasm of six months ago had worn thin. i caught more cynical remarks about the business. no regrets, but the illusions not as bright. to add to his business difficulties, it seemed that he and his girlfriend had also broken up. he told me that he'd gained so much weight that he'd had to buy new pants! he was pretty much back to normal now. back into the pre-fat pants.

sometime during our conversation, jacob got up and returned with a taco in hand--sausage wrapped in a tortilla. we continued our conversation, and he spoke broadly about the restaurant and life in general, all the while chomping away on his taco.

he talked with his mouth open. bits of sausage and tortilla visibly rolling around in his mouth.

i cringed inwardly, not just because of the unsightly food, but because i was embarrassed for him to be chewing and talking in front of other people!

soon we were finishing our breakfast and found ourselves pressed for time to make our next appointment. my friends quickly made their way out and i trailed behind, still talking to jacob (who'd finished eating his taco). he walked me to the door.

as we are saying our good-byes, i tell him, "you seem different to me than you did back in september. you seem..."

"bitter?"

i laugh. "i wasn't going to say that."

"that's what one of the lawyers who's been helping us with the business told me. he told me that i'd gotten a taste of the bitter pill, running this restaurant."

i contemplate this statement for a moment. "i was going to say that you seem to have more of an edge to you this time around."

"do you think that's sexy?" he asks.

"do you want it to be sexy?" i ask back.

"yeah."

i laugh. "ok then."

i share with him that i will be out of town for a week.

he asks about my trip. i talk about it in flippant terms. this leads him to ask questions to assure that i have made adequate plans about travel and lodging. i tell him not to worry! i have it all figured out.

i touch him lightly and quickly on the chest and say, "we should hang out sometime."

"yeah," he says, slightly surprised.

"maybe when i get back."

"ok."

i jumped in the car where my friends were waiting and waved good-bye.

i thought about jacob for a while. he's a good boy. talks with his mouth full, but that can be remedied, right? i've been back from my trip for two weeks, but for some reason i haven't gone back to the restaurant.

a good boy. then why don't i go back? it makes me think that maybe i'm the one with bad habits.